Archive | Tongue in Cheek RSS feed for this section

Bangalore Driver Avatars

18 Apr

Heading into the weekend, heres my take on Bangalore’s driving population who contribute to the chaos with their unique driving and honking skills. Here are some “avatars” of Bangalore Drivers:

  • The “Honkalator” – The driver who has his horn attached to his accelarator. The faster he goes the louder the honking gets.
  • Hearbeat Honker – The nervous honker aka the road runner (beep beep) – Has to keep honking every 20 secs.
  • Musical Moron – The musical horn (pappara-bam-paraaam)
  • The “L” Boarder – Restarts the car at every junction. Tends to slide backwards when stopped at an incline
  • The “Inadequate” driver – Has all kinds of things attached to his car – fancy fenders, expensive rims, gaudy lights
  • The Boom-Box Man – Blares music loud enough for 3 cars
  • Basketball wannabe – Drives through free lanes even though it means snaking across the road. Finally ends up behind the car that he overtook (example.. MY DRIVER)
  • Mr. Vaccum in the Brain OR “I need to go to the toilet badly” – Honks his horn as soon as the light goes green (even though hes the 20th car from the signal)
  • Face to Window Guy – Loves his windshield so much that he sits with his face pressed against it. He wants to look at the ground in front of him.
  • Directionally Challenged – Goes right with the left indicator turned on.
  • Absent Minded Professor – Leaves the indicator on for his entire drive.

Of Polls and Promises

15 Apr

Ok, its the poll season again. Newspaper reports say that crime rates have dipped because all the goons are getting ready for elections. Of course just like the cases against them theres no evidence to prove this.

Parties are promising rice for Rs.2 a kilo, reservations and quotas for the historically supressed, free television etc etc.

So dear Politician, my future leader, heres some poll promises that I’d like (readers please add your own):

1. Don’t come home to campaign. Put a leaflet in my mailbox. I dont want to shake your hand.

2. Promise not to scare me with pictures of you and your supporters. I dont want to see a picture of you cuddling a child.

3. Please let me know how and where I can pick up my color TV.

4. Please dont have any of those rallies UNLESS you have an item number performance by Rakhi Sawant… and NO DONT JOIN IN !!!

5. When you bring in your leaders from Delhi, can you please please have them say Karnataka and NOT Karnatak and Kannada not Kannad.

Ammended Traffic Laws

14 Mar

Traffic  laws have been changed keeping in mind the new Indian driver. This overrides Section 303.43 Section B sub section F item 4a of the IPC. To quote government sources, “The new law will ensure smoother traffic and bring down population at the same time”. 

Bangalore has been chosen as the pilot because apparently we’ve been following these rules “unofficially” for quite some time now.

Here they are:

1. Switch on lights (or flash) to drive on the wrong side of the road.

2. Going reverse on a one way street is allowed.

3. You can now make a right turn from the extreme left lane (or a left turn from the extreme right).. as long as you avoid eye contact.

4. Helmet rule has been relaxed…as long as you have a helmet its okay… can be used as a butt guard or an abdomen guard.

5. Advising the vehicle in front of you on how to drive by honking intermittently is now allowed.

6. Musical horns will soon become cumpulsory. Not having one will attract a Rs.500 fine.

7. The fine for wearing a seatbelt is now Rs.300.

8. Its okay to talk on your mobile while driving as long as you dont keep your eyes on the road.

9. Double parking on busy streets is now allowed. But switching your hazard lights on when you do that will attract a fine.

10. Any vehicle allowing pedestrians to cross will be fined. All pedestrian laws have been revoked.

Its so Boring !!!!!

13 Mar

Its so boring these days… everything is so quiet on the political front… whats happening? Is everyone asleep??

  • No one making idiotic statements
  • No one taking out protests against their own coalition partners
  • No one trying to stop development efforts
  • No burning of effigies

ITS SO BORING…

The most exciting thing thats happening here, is that the BBMP is trying to build a “signal free” road to the new airport. Current rumors are that this is going to be a one way road. You can reach the airport quickly but coming back is another question…. its signal free but U turns are allowed and autos can be parked anywhere… cows are allowed as well..

Talking about the New Airport its almost ready but theres no easy way to get to it. Our town planners and politicians were busy with their ego trips and forgot a minor issue.. YOU NEED A GOOD ROAD TO GET THERE !!

Note:Visitors to Bangalore (especially from the USA) please allow for 2 extra days of travel to and from the Airport.

The guys who have really really been shafted is the consortium that put the money in to build the airport.

Kumaranna had a small rally a couple of days ago in which traffic was held up for only two hours. How disappointing !!!

Wake up everyone !!!!!

Verbal Bloopers Down Under

4 Mar

Ray Dixon commented on an earlier post (where I made fun of Kiccha’s language). He  has assured me that bad English is an universal phenomenon. To quote:

Over here the “best” comments (and most intelligent) come from the AFL footy scene. Like these:

  • “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” (Mick Malthouse – Collingwood Coach)
  • “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.” (Shane Wakelin – Collingwood)
  • “I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.” (Peter Bell – Fremantle – on his University Law studies)
  • “You guys line up alphabetically by height,” and “you guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.” (Barry Hall – Sydney Captain at training)
  • “I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.” (Brock Maclean – Melbourne on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt)
  • “He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.” (Essendon coach Kevin Sheedy on James Hird)
  • “It’s basically the same, just darker.” (Jonathan Brown – Brisbane on night Grand Finals vs Day Games)
  • “I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy? He said, ‘Barass, I don’t know and I don’t care’ “.(Ron Barassi talking about Gary Cowton)
  • “I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first.” (Barry Hall – Sydney when asked about the upcoming season)
  • “Luke Hodge – the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago.” (Commentator & ex Hawthorn player Dermott Brereton)
  • “Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.” (Port Adelaide coach Mark Williams)
  • “He scored that goal after only 22 seconds – totally against the run of play.” (Dermott Brereton)
  • “We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then they scored.” (Ben Cousins – West Coast Eagles … maybe Ben was thinking of ’scoring’ something else)
  • “I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body” (Luke Darcy – Western Bulldogs)
  • “That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical.” (Dermott Brereton)
  • “Sure there have been injuries and deaths in football – but none of them serious.” (AFL Operations Manager Adrian Anderson)
  • “If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.” (AFL Chief Executive Andrew Demetriou – pure genius)
  • “I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL, but there are none better.” (Dermott Brereton)
  • “I never comment on umpires and I’m not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat.” (Richmond coach Terry Wallace)
  • (Garry Lyon) “Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?” (David Schwarz) “On what?”
  • “Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.” (Dermott Brereton)
  • “Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.” (Dermott Brereton)

Whats in a name?

11 Jan

Perhaps its my twisted sense of humor that makes me see these things.

Walking in Jayanagar I saw a board for the “Texas Institute of Technology”. See the picture below.

ttech1.jpg

The names okay (though I really have to question the Texas in Jayanagar part), but look at the short form (below)…. Is anyone thinking?
.. and look at the byline…..

ttech2.jpg

Its called “Nano” folks

10 Jan

The Tata Car is out. “The Name is Nano. Tata Nano”.

Heres a picture (courtesy http://www.ibnlive.com)

nano_look_248.jpg

The Tatas played this one close to their chest. No one know what the car looked like or what it was named. All we knew was that it would cost Rs. 1 Lakh. Several people kept guessing. Below is one artist’s impression of the Tata car that turned out to be wrong.

flintstones-car.jpg

Yabba Dabba Doo