Cricket Geese

Everytime someone talks about Indian cricket they refer to the Golden Goose and whether the Indian Cricket board is killing it. So without further ado heres goes…

Disclaimer: All these opinions are my own and some of my friends who shall only be named in the court of law…

Indian Goose … World Famous in India. The board will work the goose overtime till it starts laying normal eggs instead of golden eggs..then start looking for another goose. Some geese are even called God and refuse to retire..other geese prefer to play in the IPL but will suddenly be afflicted by injuries when it comes to playing for India…

Pakistani Goose … No info on it..its being held for match fixing. These days it only lays eggs outside the country as other geese won’t visit it…The Pakistani Goose is adept at many tricks especially ball tampering…

Australian Goose … Will make debut late it its life…will later milk the Indian goose by either playing in the IPL or becoming a coach… very agressive but will start whining if the opposing goose retaliates…

English Goose .. Only plays test cricket. Still feels its the main Goose and pines for the time when England ruled the seas..or something like that

Zimbabwean Goose…has been banned from laying eggs because all the White Geese were replaced by colored ones

South African Goose … Doesnt lay eggs when it needs to…especially when there is a prize involved

New Zealand Goose … All the good geese play rugby…

West Indian Geese … Used to be a “stud” now most of those geese play basketball or baseball…the remaining geese keep fighting

Sri Lankan Geese … Known for bowling with a strange action similar to throwing..
Bangladeshi Goose … Never Mind…

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Ciriket Diplomacy

Okay..time to put a silly post together again… has been a while since I posted, SO I DESERVE AN IDIOTIC POST !!!

With India and Pakistan playing each other in the World Cup Semis, our “fearless leaders” have “in the spirit of the occasion” decided to invite their “fearless” counterparts from across the border. They have already pooh poohed the fact that they will be talking business here. “Its purely phor the enzaayment of the game” they say.
As if the cops didn’t have enough to do, every Tom, Dick, and Tiwari are attending..anyone who can afford it I guess. Last rumors were that tickets in the VIP area were going for Rs. 3 Lakh.

In fact its a good thing that they wont be talking shop. If they did, heres what the conversations between the two PMs would be like:

India: Is Dawood in Pakistan?
Pak: Well..we dont know..maybe maybe not…
India: What is it..yes or no?
Pak: What is?
India: What you mean what is…Is Dawood in Pak?
Pak: Oh I get it…
India: So is he?
Pak: Is he what?
India: In Pakistan?
Pak: Where?
India: I dont know, you tell me?
Pak: Tell you what?
India: Never mind…lets move on…watch the game

Now lets get to the next topic…

India: Does Pakistan sponsor terror?
Pak: On TV?
India: No in India…
Pak: Sponsor on Indian TV?
India: No !! No !!! Does Pakistan sponsor terrorism in India?
Pak: Why do you ask?
India: Just thought I’d bring it up..
Pak: We dont know.. I mean..we dont know…
India: Do you or dont you…
Pak: Do we or dont we what?
India: My my..look at the time..lets get moving or we’ll be late for dinner..

Pak: So lets talk about IPL
Ind: So lets talk
Pak: Why no Pak players?
India: Where?
Pak:In the IPL?
India: yes!!!
Pak: Why?
India: Why what?? Why are there no Pak Players in the IPL?
Pak:That is what I asked??
India: Why do you ask?
Pak..and Kashmir?
India: Yes? What about it?
Pak: are you going to give it up?
India: give what up
Pak: kashmir
India: why??

Oh **** it..lets go out for dinner…

Next day papers: India and Pakistan had a fruitful round of dialogue (what they mean is that they had good dessert).
All the TV channels will have an “exclusive” with each of the PMs…. AT THE SAME TIME !!!!

The Anatomy of “preparing” for an Event. Indian Ishtyle

First we had the Commonwealth Games. Now the Cricket world cup. Each of these has stadia being prepared at the last moment….Eden Gardens looks like a dump..and yet they are “assuring” people that they will be ready…fortunately Suresh Kalmadi doesnt have his tentacles here..else they’d be short of money as well..

So typically heres how we seem to approach events in general:

1. Go all out to get the event to be held in India. Send Aishwarya Rai, Dawood Ibrahim etc.. In other words do what it takes…

2. Keep quiet till only a few months are left..suddenly wake up and realize that small things such as roads, electricity, water and of course the stadia needs to be built or repaired..now start deciding who to award the project to..in most cases the awardees are friends, relatives and thieves (not necessarily in that order).

3. In the meantime our News Channels that are hungry for news start sending out “investigative” reporters with hidden cameras…then the debate starts… usually the headlines will be something like “INDIA SHAMED AGAIN…”

4. In the meantime the members of the Organizing committe or the local organizers (like the ones in Kolkata) keep saying everything is on track.. background shows workers mixing concrete to build the statium to host the event in another two weeks…

5. TV channels in the meantime are using this as a filler between the next scam and high profile murder…

6. Now suddenly the politicians realize that they can get mileage from this situation as well…so they jump into the fray…usually accusing the government and demanding resignations…usually of unrelated ministers…for instance in this case, the defence minister and the foreign minister will be asked to resign…of course the PM is a common factor in all calls for resignations..

7. As in the case with Eden Gardens, the finance minister who happens to be from Bengal..says “I am dephinetely soor that bhee vill be ready. I will talk to Mr. Powor”…

8. Meantime the above mentioned Mr. Powor is figuring how to hide onions…

…and so it goes..on and on and on and on… we never seem to learn…

Oh ya..and then the Parlimentary Enquiries Start…

Ball Marr Re !!!!!

“Yei ball hidiyo ninn ajii” 

“Ree.. yaar ri helu kottiddu nimage fielding-u”

“yei Ahmed..teek se khel baa..”

“dai ravi… yenna daaa panre ange adi raa baal-e…”

“howzaaaaaat”…..

“yeeey caaaaatch !!!!”

“lei adda yako barthiya nann magane?”

 ”ree side kodri…namm match aadbeko bedvo?”

“ondaro sariyagi hidiyo ninn ayyan”

“yemra donga..at least ball aara petko raa”

“achar-re good shaaat”

These are conversations from different cricket matches all happening within 50 feet of each other…come weekends, the National College Grounds play host to 100′s of tennis ball matches that are played simultaeneously and seemingly with every game adjoining the other…

However the players know exactly where the boundaries are.. and they know exactly who is in which match…it looks like chaos but there is order..they come from all over the place with one intent…to play cricket…

This, Madhavan Park and the ground in Malleswaram are the last bastions for weekend cricket. MNK Park used to be one before it was converted to a “walker’s paradise”.

Of course come election time, the field is used and misused for political rallies…the cricketers wait patiently.. 

A Sea of Games

Indian Phookat League

Went to the Bhangra dance also known as the IPL yesterday….full cheerleaders, DJs, VJs..and all the J’s…and yes some cricket.

First time for a T20….Next time I’ll watch it on TV.

Printed value on ticket was Rs. 44,000…seriously I dont think anyone buys this stuff..everyone there was probably like me..a free ride..

I asked several people whether they actually bought the ticket for this price and it was denied by all.

So boring to watch cricket from the “Executive Lounge”. Theres free food and booze and no one cares whos winning…and everyone wants to get on TV with the celebrity crowd…
Give me my gallery crowd anytime…but I’ll take the champagne…hic

Did He or Didn’t He?

The ultimate “confessions” show Moment of Truth’s Hindi version is here (the show should actually be titled “Making a Fool of Yourself on TV”). Its called Sach Ka Saamna.

For those not in the know, this show puts contestants through embarrassing questions about their lives. Usually at the end of the show in the best case they end up with some money and no family..or worst case no money and no family.

Looks like they have turned to quasi celebrities in India, which is a great idea…case in point Rakhi Sawant…who’ll probably be on the show after her “Swayamvar”.

The first bakra to create a controversy is ex-cricketer Vinod Kambli who decimated club like bowlers from Kenya to Zimbabwe. Apparently he said some things on the show not too complementary to Sachin Tendulkar and the BCCI.

..true to character (which means he has a great future in politics), he has now denied making any comments..

To Quote:

My family and Sachin’s family have felt bad about this. I have not said anything against BCCI as well. I have played for India for 18 years. I can’t even dream of speaking against BCCI,” said Kambli.

I guess we’ll find out…the guy is probably begging the show producers to pull his show.. the BCCI will remove his chaddis (as in pension)..

Give them a break… Shut Up !!!!!!

Ok all this time it was hero worship for Dhoni’s boys. Now our fickle media has turned on them. One idiotic channel was running a poll on whether Dhoni should remain captain while the sports editors were crying themselves hoarse with their take on the issue (I’d like to see them play).

Heres some advise for the media:

• India lost..they lost..any team can lose. Get that into your thick skulls.
• Stop pontificating and analyzing things to death. Its just a game.
• And please dont get former players to come in and comment. Most of the old buzzards are pissed that the current crop make more money than they do.
• A special request to Times Now TV… ask Boria Majumdar to stop shouting into the mike. We can hear him well.
• There are other things to worry about other than why India got beaten in T20. Focus on that !!

For instance focus on why Harsha Bhogale is wearing that ridiculous wig. That has to be more interesting. Is it a wig? Does it have a sponsor? Does he have different colors..will that solve the Kashmir issue? What effect will it have on global warming?

you guys are used to discussing such things anyway so this is right up your alley.

Give team India a break..these things happen…chill out and SHUT THE **** up.

Chappell in Charge and other cricket WTF’s

The Chappell magic seems to be working for Australia. Anything he touches seems to turn into “fools gold”.

After single handedly demolishing the Indian team, Chappell is now doing the same with the Aussies. Its bad Karma.

In other Cricket news, Vijay Mallya the owner of the Royally Challenged IPL team met with the owners of the Deccan (Dis)Chargers to see if they can cut costs by collaborating with each other (just like Kingfisher and Jet Airways). “The idea is to use each other’s assets” he said. As I type this, they are still trying to identify “Assets”.

Neo Cricket’s highlights are great, but do they need Mohinder Amarnath to suddenly appear and make a summary??? Someone needs to tell him to get rid of the “wooden” expression. Or maybe they have told him hes on Radio?

IPL Commissioner Lalit Modi is now a brand ambassador for something. I dont remember what.. was busy laughing at the very notion…

Adieu Gangu Da

I am NOT looking forward to watching news on TV Tonight.

The ticker will say: BREAKING NEWS : Ganguly to Retire

As if on cue the news channels will have their “experts” (all of them with a combined average thats one-tenth of Ganguly’s) weigh in with their opinions. SMS polls will be held. Effigies of the BCCI president will be burnt. Kolkatta will be very angry.

All the sports anchors will be anchoring “Face the Nation” like programs where the following points will be discussed. They need not be related to Ganguly at all:

1. Was Ganguly treated fairly?

2. Is this an injustice to Bengal?

3. Will he now join the Communist Party?

4. Is this anyway related to the Tatas moving out?

5. Will Mamata Blabberji lead another Dharna.. and will she blame Ganguly’s retirement on  the Government.

6. How will SRK react?

7. Will he be the next president of the Cricket Association in Bengal?

8. Will Manmohan Singh intervene?

9. Is this a plot by Dhoni?

10. Was a deal made when Ganguly was selected for the team?

11. Will he start acting in Movies?

They will go on and on and on….each one clinging to the mike like a lifeline.

In the meantime I am sure Ganguly will do well post retirement from Cricket. If only the other guys get the hint and hang up their boots while they are ahead…

Thanks for the memories Saurav. Enjoy retirement. Take it easy.

June 25, 2033 – Where will you be?

I am tired of the question “Where were you on June 25th 1983?”… it was a day when India won its one and only world cup. 25 years later we are still celebrating it. Dont get me wrong.. I think it was a great victory.. but its getting a bit tiresome… In the meantime Australia has won 3. The BCCI keeps milking this event…

So I take you to the future.. June 25 2033…

India is celebrating the 50th year of its winning its one and only world cup. Octogenerian Sunil Gavaskar can still play with the young turks and said he wished another Indian team would win the world cup soon. He was tired of going to the same old felicitation ceremony over and over and over again.

Former India captain M.S Dhoni regretted that the Indian team could not win the 50 over world cup. They had won every other title 20/20, 10/10, 5/5, and the One over dhamaka (1/1). He hoped Dhoni Jr would have better luck.

Modi the commissioner of the IPL and the newly formed under 10 league said that there was a lot of talent in India. He cited the 1 year old prodigy Babloo. “We have the talent. We just have to win” he said.

Kapil who leads the rebel tiny tots league said that he still feels proud that he was the only captain to lead india to a world cup win. “There is no answer to me (Kapil kaa Jawab Nahin)” he said. He said “I always have a feeling ki that we will win every tournaement we that play in.. but we are not giving the 100% effort like my boys in 1983″.

190 year old Lele who was the BCCI Secy when India won the world cup said that he would definitely be around when the guys won the world cup the next time.

Kirmani still felt that India was not winning because none of the Wicketkeepers came to him for advise.

Rajdeep Sardesai the veteran’s veteran of news anchor wondered if reservations introduced in the team had affected our perfomances. “After all a 30% reservation for upper castes sends the wrong signals” he said.
 Kris Srkkkant the Brand Ambassador for the “Chennai Sooper Children” (under 10 league) said “WellIdontthinkreservationsarebad….  therearenobadreservationsonlybadreservers..gasp..gasp”.

Mohinder Amarnath was still on his way to the function…he was looking for that red hanky…

All players were sure that they will be back in 2083 for the 100th Anniversary celebrations of India winning the world cup.