The last few days have been eventful. My dad was admitted to the hospital for some tests on the “advise” of his friend the “family physician”. I had written a post on that before.
Based on my observations for the last couple of days, I believe that I have built up considerable expertise (wink wink) on how to build and design a hospital that will truly excel.
If you are planning to build a hospital, the first thing you need to do is to bring in a Chimpanzee to plan out your layout. Here are some of the do’s and dont’s.
INTERNAL MOTTO: OUR ENTIRE FOCUS IS TO MAKE THE CUSTOMER/PATIENT SPEND AS MUCH TIME IN THE HOSPITAL AS POSSIBLE !!!!
1. DO NOT make the hospital convinient. Put departments as far away as possible. That way you can delay things while people are running around.
2. Have Emergency, Admissions, Registrations and the rooms as far away from each other as possible (refer to point #1)
3. Oh and by the way Billing is away from all these…and not to forget the insurance guys..they have to be as far away from billing as possible.
Once this is done, we need to give basic traning to people.
1. Learn “question ping pong”. Any question that you cannot answer, dont say you dont know..refer it to another department. The other department refers it back to you. You keep going back and forth till the customer is pissed off and refer it to another department who then refers it to a completely different department and they do the ping pong for a while.Finally the answer is given by the original department (they magically have the answer after a couple of hours of you running around).
2. Never Integrate..Never have a one-stop shop. If someone comes into Emergency, let them run around to admission, registration, rooms etc…lets not have the staff come over to them and take down information.
3. As soon as a patient comes into the hospital, get him into one of those skirts. That way he can’t go anywhere.
Finally use Dilbert’s Mission Statement Generator to generate your Mission Statement : At <Name of Hospital> we strive to provide international healthcare and facilities to our customers thereby providing an integrated and seamless medical experience which will enhance their lifestyles giving them a global perspective and seamless lifestyle.
DISCLAIMER: I have the utmost respect for Doctors and Medical Institutions. However I still feel that the layout of all these places are designed by Chimpanzees.